Trial by Silence Read online

  He continued to sit with his head lowered. She got hold of his head-knot and pulled up his head. He closed his eyes, but tears flowed from them. A beard now covered his cheeks and jaw. He had been refusing to shave. He also had thick eyebrows. His face looked like it was completely covered in hair. She couldn’t bear to look at his sad, unkempt visage. She gently tapped his cheek with her hand. ‘What’s wrong now? She says it is your child. And what a mother says about her child is the truth. It is the mother who has the final word about who the father of her child is. Ponna says it was you who gave her this child . . . Let me ask you, how do you know for sure who your father is? I tell you, “This man is your father,” and you accept it. That is all. Can anyone contradict a mother’s statement on that?’ He sat there, unable to free himself from her grip.

  ‘You have grown into a big man,’ she said, ‘but you are not very smart. It was all my mistake, I am a stupid widow, I let you do whatever you wanted. I should have been stricter, I should have hit you more, been clearer about right and wrong. You are still a child to me. You are the only child I have. Please listen to your mother and act properly. What have I really had in my life that I could call my own? Do I have any close relatives? Do I get to attend auspicious occasions? Wherever I go, I stay with other widows, lumped to a side. Would anyone let me take the lead in a family function? Why, do you know how much I worry even about coming here from the village early in the morning? There are people who consider the sight of a widow very unlucky as they set out for the day.’ She began to weep inconsolably. Then she said, almost in the tune of a lament, ‘When you narrate a widow’s story, even a rock would melt, even a crow would cry. If you narrate this Seerayi’s story, even this earth would dissolve, trees would weep.’ She sat down, and then continued, ‘There are people who said I was not doing the farming work properly. You set up this barn. Could I have done something like this on my own? Could I have come and stayed alone like you do? Men would roam around here like dogs. Would it have been a safe prospect for me, tell me? You know how men looked at your wife when they knew you were childless. Then imagine how they would look at a widow.’

  He went back to sitting huddled.

  ‘You know what will happen if I leave the house in the morning and come here to the fields?’ Seerayi ranted. ‘That is when people would be setting out of their houses, walking this way to their various tasks. If I show up in front of them, they will make a face wondering why a widow is crossing their path. That is why I often stay put in the house in the morning and set out late. And once I arrive here, I stay in. Do you think this has been easy? The point of human life is to go to places where people throng, to meet people, to talk to people, to do our work in a way others can witness it. Have I been fortunate enough to have any of that? Tell me. Not a day has gone by when I have not cried thinking of my life. Wherever I go, I stand to a side, away from the action, and just make sure I go and mark my presence, that’s all.’

  When he heard her voice breaking, he looked up at her. She was staring into a distance, sighing. Then she started speaking again. ‘Do you know how eager I was for you to grow up and turn my life around? What else do I have in this life? Just you. When you grew into a man, I thought you could henceforth represent me, go everywhere on my behalf, receive respect from people. But I was not lucky enough to experience that. Wherever I went, everyone only wanted to know if my daughter-in-law had conceived or not. What could I tell them? You two could not happily go anywhere either.’

  He let out a deep sigh and got up. He washed his hands with some water from the large earthen pot.

  She spoke louder now. ‘Wherever you two went, you either came back crying or feeling angry. You have told me so many stories of people being rude to you, insulting you. But it looks like things are meant to change for the better for me, at least in what is left of my life. Now both you and Ponna can mingle with people fearlessly, you can go to events and occasions. No one will dare say anything about you. And I can go with you too. Or I can feel happy listening to the stories you bring back with you. I think my life is really beginning only now. Please don’t ruin it.’

  It looked as though Kali was unable to understand what she was saying.

  ‘I do know what is going on in your mind,’ she continued. ‘You are wondering how you would bring yourself to find joy in a child that is not yours. But when it comes to children, what is the point of such distinctions? Try spending time with the baby. You will know the pleasure of parenthood then. All children are given by god. It is only we humans who discriminate between ours and others’. You will change some day. And you will act according to my words. But until then, do what you can, and be good.’

  Kali kept staring at her.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, without a pause. ‘Now we have to take care of her. We have to take good care of her and make sure the birth goes well. She has come to us, severing her relations with her parents. They can’t come here. And we cannot do anything about that when she is pregnant. So I will have to take care of everything. In the middle of all this, if you are uncooperative and you pull in a different direction, how will I manage? Tell me. I am sure that you will change your mind about things. And that both of you will go back to how you used to be—chatting and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. That day will come. Until then, engage yourself in a few tasks. There are a thousand things to do in the fields. When you are engaged in work, you won’t feel the force of your other problems. Only the person who sits in a corner, dejected, feels everything acutely. So please do the work. Don’t make a mess of things now.’

  For a little while, they both sat silently. Then she washed the lunch carrier and got ready to go back home. ‘Good days have begun for us,’ she said. ‘All our hurdles are over. Everything will be all right from now. Please be smart and try to live well, my dear.’ She gently caressed his head before leaving. He sat looking at her receding figure, amazed at her speech. What clarity and force. Was this the same mother who used to be tired and listless all the time? How often had he judged her in his own mind for her lack of interest in anything? This was not the mother he knew. And when it occurred to him that until then he had never really thought about her properly, he was overcome with sadness, and he sat there on that rock for quite a while.

  FIFTEEN

  When Seerayi turned away from the mud road and entered the path that led to the village quarters, she ran into Periyaan.

  ‘Periyaan, are you on your way to work?’ she asked him.

  ‘No, saami. I have a buffalo calf. I am going to get some grass to feed it.’

  Seerayi said, ‘All right. I need someone to go to Adaiyur to inform our in-laws that Ponna is pregnant. Can you go? For such good news, they will reward you very well.’

  ‘I am happy that god has finally opened his eyes,’ he said. ‘I will go right away. What could be more important than this? Also, your in-laws are always very generous, saami.’

  Seerayi immediately added, ‘On your way, if you see the midwife Thangamma on the other side of the village, can you please ask her to pay us a visit? Ponna is retching for sure. But I would feel better if the midwife comes and confirms the news.’

  Periyaan said, ‘I will do that too. As for going to Adaiyur, do I wait till the midwife checks on Ponna and confirms it? What shall I do?’

  ‘No, no,’ said Seerayi. ‘I am very certain. You go, give them the news. And come and see me tomorrow.’ She then continued on her way home.

  The door was unlocked, and Ponna was lying inside, her eyes closed. She was perhaps asleep, but it also looked like she might just be dizzy and tired. So Seerayi decided not to wake her up, and went straight to see about the cooking.

  She set the rice on one stove and the lentils on the other. She wanted to get the cooking done fast, so that Ponna could eat soon. Ponna would definitely feel better as the day progressed, but she would feel stronger once she ate something. Seerayi kept feeling that everything would become all right soon. If Ponna had not im
pulsively severed her ties with her family, they would have rushed here in a bullock cart as soon as they got the news. But that was not possible now, but never mind. Once the child was born, the first thing they would do was go to the Kooli temple, offer pongal and revoke the ritual separation. Then things would be restored to normal. But, until then, her parents could not come here carrying parcels of food and take her to their place for the birth. Everything would have to be done right here. Seerayi realized it was all going to be a lot of responsibility for her.

  Ponna’s retching would last another month or month and a half. Basically, they needed to be careful until the fifth month. Things would become smooth after that. Seerayi was recollecting the days of her own pregnancy, things she thought she had long forgotten. As she was cooking, Thangamma, the midwife, arrived. And along with her came a few old women from the village. Thangamma said, ‘Aaya, so finally god has blessed our little landlady?’ It did not seem as though there was any insinuation in what she said, but Seerayi decided to respond cautiously anyway. ‘Yes, Thangamma, she has conceived only after appealing to the goddess Kooli. But you please feel her pulse and let us know for sure.’

  Pacchakizhavi and the other elderly women sat down on the raised porch. Seerayi addressed them in general, and said, ‘Come!’ Pacchakizhavi was called that—the green old woman—because of the green tattoos she had all over her. She said, ‘It was Periyaan who informed us. I had just settled down to rest after fetching some greens for the lamb to eat. But when I heard this news, I decided to pay a visit. The girl has conceived after so many years. All your bad time has now come to an end. You have seen so much suffering in your life. May it be good times at least from now on.’ All the other paattis too spoke words of blessings and wishes.

  Thangamma went into the house and felt Ponna’s pulse. When the midwife’s cold hand touched hers, Ponna woke up, startled. ‘Don’t be scared. It is just me—Thanga. When you are in this state, you feel even little things very intensely. The way you shuddered awake at my touch. It is definitely that. And your pulse confirms that. A boy or a girl? What do you want? You are all landowners. You’d always want a boy.’ Saying this, the midwife laughed.

  Ponna smiled and said, ‘Let it be a girl.’

  Thangamma called out to Seerayi, who was sitting outside. ‘Seerayi, lady, do you want a grandson or a granddaughter?’

  Seerayi replied, ‘Either is fine by me. Why worry about it? It could even be both!’

  Now the paattis went into the house to see Ponna. Pacchakizhavi started singing as soon as she saw Ponna:

  Look at her face, look at the face

  of the pregnant woman

  Look at her face, look at her face

  that looks like the earth cooled by rain

  The seed sown has borne its crop

  Look at her face, look at her face

  As she sang, she swayed her body in a kind of dance, and walked towards Ponna. She touched her face and cracked her knuckles in a gesture of warding off the evil eye. The other women blessed her, ‘May you give birth and live well.’ Thangamma said, ‘Look at the old hags dancing!’

  Pacchakizhavi said, ‘Why not! If our girl Ponna is happy, so are we.’ Then she added, ‘Don’t we know the dancing you do with your husband?’

  To which Thangamma replied, ‘Yes, indeed. We are newly-weds, you see. That’s why I am so excited.’

  ‘Oh, why do you say that? Has the milking stopped?’

  ‘Mhmm! What is the point in trying to milk an old cow? No matter how hard you keep pulling at the teats, you will get nothing. Only the udder keeps growing longer.’

  ‘You should try feeding it some fresh green grass.’

  ‘Where do I go for fresh grass? All I find are dried-up fields.’

  ‘All right, then, find a young heifer. The old one will start milking as soon the young one touches it.’

  Thangamma interrupted. ‘You all might have got old, but you still talk like this!’

  ‘Oh! Look at what she says. So you are an innocent girl? Don’t you talk like this too?’

  Thangamma made a face, and said, ‘When you grow old, that is all you can do anyway—just talk.’ She then said to Ponna, ‘Ponnu, you will continue to feel this way for one or two months. Just be patient. Later I will bring you some medicine. Just swallow that. It will help you a little.’

  Seerayi brought some food on a plate and gave it to Ponna. Ponna felt that even her fingers were weak. She ate a few morsels. But more visitors arrived by then. All the people who had been on their way to the fields to cut grass and to leave the cattle out for grazing had heard the news and came over to see Ponna. Even some men stopped by to confirm the news with Seerayi. Their neighbour Porasa returned home from the fields quite late. When she saw women sitting outside her house and on her porch, she came running in panic, wondering if something untoward had occurred. When she heard the news, she rushed to Ponna and said happily, ‘Ponna! This morning you slept quite late. I kept looking towards your door. There were no sounds. I thought to myself—Ponna is lucky, she can sleep late, I can’t. And I went to the fields. If I had known this was the case, I would have come to you sooner. But I am the last one to find out, and I live next door to you!’

  As people kept dropping by for a visit, the entire house brimmed with excitement. All the paattis left for their homes, but they returned later in the day and stretched themselves comfortably on the porch and spent their time chatting and gossiping. ‘Ponna!’ exclaimed one of the women. ‘Is it true that you have cut off ties with your parents? Why did you do that? Who else does a woman have besides her own parents? We are not like men, are we? We can’t go looking for toddy and wander around here and there. We take care of the house and these dry lands. Our father’s house is our only refuge.’

  Seerayi told them that it was a simple misunderstanding that had led to Ponna flinging a handful of earth at her parents’ house, breaking her ties with them. ‘Apparently, her mother said in the course of an argument, “You would understand if you had your own child.” And that made Ponna angry and she acted in that way. But this is good in a way. She has conceived after so many years of marriage. If everything was well, the evil eye might fall on her. Once the child is born, we can reunite with them.’

  Ponna lay listening to everything. Everyone from the village had appeared on the scene, but the man whose child it was did not come. She did not even mind the fact that no one from her family had come to visit. In a way, it was good they did not come now. If they came, it might lead to some argument with Kali and things would get worse.

  But Ponna had expected Kali to come. He might not want to talk to her, but couldn’t he at least come to see her? All these years, how much they had struggled for this moment! Hadn’t this news given him at least a little happiness? What would he say? He might think that the whore was carrying another man’s child. He would say he wouldn’t touch a whore’s child. It was Kali who had come to her the night before, wasn’t it? She refused to believe that it was not him. She clearly remembered that he had arrived, she remembered the things they had talked about. If it was a dream, how could she remember everything so vividly? She had felt him entering her womb. So he was definitely the reason for her state this morning. But would he accept that?

  This might be the third month, but Ponna remembered that on the night her brother Muthu had come to invite them home at the time of the festival, Kali had come to her late. Ponna had scolded him, ‘My brother is visiting you! How could you leave him in the barnyard and come to me stealthily?’

  ‘What do I care what your brother thinks?’ he had said. ‘I was thinking of you, so I decided to come here and give you one.’

  ‘All right, give it to me and leave soon,’ she had consented, and showed him her cheek. He gave her one on her cheek, and then he proceeded to her lips. And on that night, he gave it to her fully. That must be the cause. It was definitely him. He had been able to do it after so many years. Why did he not understand that?r />
  It would have made her very happy if Kali had come to see her. Perhaps he would come to her at night the way he had done the night before?

  SIXTEEN

  Kali set out very early in the morning, when it was still quite dark, taking the cow with him. It had been bellowing endlessly for two days. It needed a bull. It cried so loudly in the night that Kali was afraid it might wake up the entire village. It had also not been eating even a mouthful of food. It didn’t want to eat oil cake and bran. It just smelt the food once and moved away. The cow was clearly making a point. All it did was walk around the cattle shed restlessly. Whenever a calf or a sheep happened to pass nearby, the cow started trying to mount them. Why, it even tried to lift its front legs over Kali. He had never seen the cow so badly in heat before.

  Kali was very good at recognizing when a cow started to cry for a bull. He’d know in the very first cry. When a cow made noises out of hunger or thirst, it was not quite so intense. That was the call of the stomach. But this was the sound of its yearning for the company of a beast of its own kind. It was the sound of its entire body. When that happened, Kali would make sure the cow got to mate with a bull right away. He would never let them suffer. He now remembered that this cow had bellowed in heat even two months ago. He should have taken care of it then, but Kali had not been in the right frame of mind to do all that. If he had done it then, the cow would be two months pregnant by now.